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HERE’S A FEW EXCELLENT REASONS WHY CELEBRITIES SHOULD NOT EVER ENTER A RECORDING STUDIO

HEARTBEAT by DON JOHNSON
PARTY ALL THE TIME by EDDIE MURPHY
SHE’S LIKE THE WIND by PATRICK SWAYZE
Whatever that stupid song was by DAVID SOUL
Whatever that stupid song was by KEITH CARRADINE
FAR FROM OVER by FRANK STALLONE*
(*although technically not a celebrity)
ANYTHING BY BRUCE WILLIS
HONORABLE MENTION and the Luckiest Man (he had white horses) that ever lived besides Lou Gehrig: JIM BELUSHI
HONORABLE FRIAR: KEVIN BACON

I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU IF YOU OWN ANY RECORDINGS BY: (unless it’s for comedic purposes)
JOHN TESH
KATHY LEE GIFFORD
STEVEN SEGAL
PARIS HILTON
ROBERT GOULET
LINDSAY LOHAN
J-LO
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
LEONARD NIMOY
WALTER BRENNAN

Absolutely HORRIBLE DUETS
STATE OF SHOCK: Mick Jagger & Michael Jackson
SAY SAY SAY: Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson
EBONY AND IVORY: Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder

1. BLUEBERRY PEELER
2. ALMOND CRISPER
3. TANGERINE SMOKER
4. PINEAPPLE CUSPER
5. BANANA DEHUSKER
6. PEANUT DESALTER
7. GRAPE SKINNER
8. PISTACHIO DYE KIT
9. RED ONION BALLER
10. MELON BROASTER
11. RASPBERRY PRESS
12. MANGO CROCK
13. CABBAGE BARREL
14. SPINACH KILN
15. CATFISH WISP
16. GARLIC SYRINGE
17. STRAWBERRY PITTER
18. OLIVE BREECHER
19. SWEET POTATO FRAGGER
20. CARROT SPREADER
21. CAKE FROSTER
22. JALEPENO SPRIGGER
23. EGG SHAKER
24. SHRIMP CLAMMER
25. RUSSETT NOODLE FACTORY
26. PUMPKIN SPOON
27. APPLE BRINER
28. RICE KERNEL COUNTER
29. GINGER ROOT SPAGGLE
30. EGGPLANT SLING
31. TOMATO DESEEDER
32. NAVY BEAN WAXER
33. POTATO COLLANDER
34. ASPARAGUS GRADER
35. BUTTERBEAN SQUASH KNEFFLER
36. RAISIN DEHYDRATOR
37. NECTARINE PRETZELOR
38. CELERY STRAINER
39. PEA SNAPPER
40. SWEET CORN EMULSIFIER
41. WATERMELON KRAIG
42. GREEN BEAN BASTER
43. SCALLOP MINCER
44. TURNIP JUICER
45. CRANBERRY MILL
46. PARSNIP GRINDER
47. ZUCCHINI OXIDYZER
48. CANTELOPE CUP
49. ORANGE DEPULPER
50. HABENERO MISTER
51. RADISH SHIMMER
52. PASTA HARVESTOR
53. GARLIC SPLITH
54. BELL PEPPER WHEEL
55. MULBERRY DIVIDER
56. PRUNE HUTCH
57. LIVER FORK
58. YAMSICLE MAKER
59. CHEESE SPRITZER
60. OYSTER SQUEEZER
61. BRUSSEL SPROUTER
62. ONION MITT
63. TURKEY DRESSER
64. BROCCOLI CISTERN
65. DUTCH OVEN CHEMOIRE
66. WALNUT FENCH
67. STRING BEAN SHEGGER
68. LETTUCE OILER
69. CATFISH FEY
70. MARSHMELLOW ROASTER
71. PEACH PIT TEA MAKER
72. CUCUMBER DEFUSER
73. PUMPKIN SEED AIR-ATOR
74. BUDDY HACKETT POPSICLE MOLD
75. ONION VALDALIATOR
76. 3 STOOGES ICE CUBE TRAY
77. SALMON SKIMMER
78. COFFEE MAKER FILTER TREE
79. CUPCAKE SPRIDDLES DISPENSER
80. HAM HOCKER
81. PEANUT SHELL POCKET APRON

Time is running out for you to make excuses NOT to struggle down to the Harwood Post this Saturday, June 6th from 8:00pm until 11:37pm and witness the Traumatic Return in the flesh of DaveBob and his brand new Wireless Walking Cast! Come on—how could you miss that???

Pictured below in a rare photo is DaveBob enjoying his ducks, his Bud Lite and his famous Orange cast named “Itchy-Stynk.” The cast is due to be removed this Thursday and immediately helicopter-ed over to the “Celebrity Cast Museum” in Earlville, IL where it will be lovingly enshrined until Armageddon.

A man and his mallards (May 2009)

Greetings BobbleHeads of the Acoustical Nature!
I’ll start this Newsletter off with a photo of an old movie poster:

“Children of the Damned” was released in the early 60’s when I was knee high to a totem pole and I was petrified of the ad when I saw it in the Joliet Herald News. Years later when I saw the movie on some late night TV station, it was about as scary as Scooby Doo. Why do I mention this? I have no idea… Read the rest of this entry »

The rim of the star-light
My love
Is wand’ring in star-flight
I know
He’ll find in star-clustered reaches
Love
Strange love a star woman teaches
I know
His journey ends never
His star trek
Will go on forever
But tell him
While he wanders his starry sea
Remember, remember me.

- Lyrics to the original Star Trek theme, penned by Gene Roddenberry for no reason other than to scam half the royalties.